Peace, Love and JOy to all for Our Savior's Birthday

This is the time of year for joy, reconciliation and family. We honor the birth of our Savior, and give thanks for the blessing we enjoy all year. I used to anticipate the Christmas season, for the warmth, camaraderie and fellowship everyone seemed to share. Not I find I dread the season, not the reason.

The reason for the season is to celebrate the birth of Our Lord and Savior. We exchange gifts as a way of honoring His birth, His life and his Ministry. The commercialization and political correctness of the “holiday season” make me sad. I will ALWAYS say Merry Christmas, as that is what I mean!

I am not a perfect human being. I have my foibles; I have made my share of mistakes. I say to you, (John 8:7) He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. I get so weary of the sanctimonious self righteous people in my life! Some have ostracized me for no other reason than they “heard” I harmed another. To my family and loved ones and relatives, I only do what I believe is good for my family. I have never intentionally harmed another, and I surely would never do or say anything to harm either of my daughters. We can argue all day what he said/she said, at the end of the day it’s all about where my heart is, and I am good with the Man upstairs!

My heart is with My Savior first, with my husband second, and our children third.  I love my brothers and they are an important part of my family and support system.  I don’t have to “like” their spouses, yet, I do love them, I just don’t like their behavior. My husband’s siblings are another story. His sister is the most passive aggressive shrew I have ever met. His brother easy going live and let live. Go figure.

I am doing me, and happy with that. Should anyone else want to judge me, or my behavior let them walk one day in my shoes. I will be happy to take their advice, once they know how I live my life. Your perception is not my reality.

I love my daughters. I am disappointed in their behavior, and I love them unconditionally.

Merry Christmas, PEACE on Earth (and in my life) and GOOD WILL to all!

What's really important

What is Really important? Well I can tell you what is not important. It's not about who said what about whom, its not sleights real or imagined. It's not about the $20 or the $20,000 borrowed and never repaid, it's not about not keeping in touch, always making the first call, or even about where we live,  It all comes down to caring about one another and loving one another.
I found this quote and really like it:

After all this is over, all that will really have mattered is how we treated each other.

Too often we say things in haste, make statements that hurt, or declare something that cannot be undone. I believe that we must school out thoughts and words. Marriages are torn apart, families ruined, and lives destroyed by careless cruel comments made and then passed along.
Theses things I know are true. I love my Heavenly Father, and know that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I love my husband and cherish every moment we have together. I love his children, right wrong or indifferent, I am proud of them, I love them and that will not change. I love my brothers, even if I detest their behavior, I will always love them and stand by them as they have stood by me.
I have said that I am healthier and feel better now than I have been in 20 years. With my brother in the hospital and trying to figure out his health concerns, it makes me ponder my mortality as well.
I  declare that I am grateful for every blessing, every trial, every lesson, every person in my life. Even if we are estranged, we are family and that will never change.

The joy of Daughters

Today I discovered that our daughter Rachel is engaged.  Many emotions came over me. Relief, surprise, hurt feelings and joy. Of all the people that have passed through my life, I believe I have enjoyed and love Rachel the most. I have always wanted what is best for her.

We have been estranged for two years now. I can only guess why. She has not spoken to me nor has she told me why she has cut all ties. She recently cut ties with her father as well; telling him it’s because he supports me. I don’t feel she is being fair, especially to him, yet I am not in charge of her behavior.

One thing about children and parents; a parents job is to work themselves out of a job. I believe we gave Rachel a firm foundation and she has developed a workable value system. She is positioned, unbending a little self-righteous; she is however one of the most loving, kind and funny people I know.

The first brief for my appeal is being filed on Monday. Many people ask why I care that this verdict is overturned. I will tell you, because I didn’t do it! I am prepared that it may not be overturned, and I will deal with that if it happens. For now, I will pray that the judges see through the manipulations and untruths told by a very lost, mixed up young woman.

Which brings me to Rebekah; I love you, I forgive you for the accusations and recriminations. I wish I could have made this all go away. I will not say I did something I did not do. We are here for both you girls whenever you need us.

Blessings

Today is gray dreary day. It began as a beautiful sunny day, much like nine years ago when Tony entered the hospital for that fateful cardiogram and heart surgery that forever changed our lives.

I have been thinking a lot about the past ten years and the joys, sorrows, triumphs and disappointments for the time that has passed. I am so grateful for all the blessings that have come my way.

The first blessing is my wonderful husband. He has given me so much joy and comfort over the past eleven years. Even during my incarceration he was 100% steadfastly in my corner. He is ferocious in his defense of me, and never allows a minute to go by without letting me know how very much he cherishes me.

The second blessing is my family. My brothers first. We are orphans, and we only have each other. For being raised in the same house with the same parents you couldn't find three more different people. We don't always get along, yet our communication has become much more open and honest and we have mellowed.  My Uncles, Aunts, and cousins are all unconditionally supportive of me. Another extremely diverse group, again reared with the same values, we all are unique and bring a different favor to the party… And do we party!

The third blessing is the opportunity of parenting my step-daughters. I couldn't love them more if the were my own flesh and blood. That makes our estrangement especially painful, yet I know, they know, I love them. When they are hurting, I bleed. Some day we will reunite and put all the blame and recriminations behind us. I look forward to that day, however far in the future it may be.

This is a good quote about family :

Doc Childre and Howard Martin, The HeartMath Solution

Family is the first social unit for developing the qualities of the heart. A true family grows and moves through life together, inseparable in the heart. Whether a biological family or an extended family of people attracted to each other based on heart resonance and mutual support, the word "family" implies warmth, a place where the core feelings of the heart are nurtured. Family values represent the core values and guidelines that parents and family members hold in high regard for the well-being of the family. Sincere family feelings are core heart feelings. They are the basis for true family values. While we have differences, we remain "family" by virtue of our heart connection. Family provides necessary security and support, and acts as a buffer against external problems. A family made up of secure people generates a magnetic power that can get things done. They are the hope for real security in a stressful world.

Pasted from <http://www.heartquotes.net/Family.html>

Cog

So I go to my COG class last night and we talk about Learned vs. Inherited behavior, Nature vs. Nurture, if you will. I think about my behaviors as they were pre-incarceration, during and post-incarceration. I believe I really had an epiphany last night.  Many of the behaviors I operated with a few years ago, no longer work for me and I have discarded them. That was pretty refreshing; although, I do still want to “go there” sometimes. It’s a good thing that I realize it now and can rephrase those thoughts. It’s funny how we “take on” the lingo of our current learning situation. I believe it shows adaptability, or maybe just institutionalization? I prefer adaptability, as this gives me hope for the human condition.

I often wonder “what am I doing here?”; what I do know is I KNOW I never want to repeat this experience, it has been valuable to me and my growth as a soul.

Priorities

I began my Cognitive Behavior Class last night. It's an In-house class, so I don't have to travel to it. I took one in 1999, and learned a lot from it, last night, if you can believe it, I just observed; I know it's hard to believe. Most of the participants are male, (you know I love that), and they mainly work with respect and anger issues. Three men graduated last night, if I am to believe the facilitator, they have come a long way. I believe that's a good thing.
We did an interesting exercise in Value Prioritizing. I am happy to say, according to the exercise, my priorities are right where I want them to be... kinda makes you wonder if I have a borderline personality? LOL yeah, that still bugs me a lot.The facilitator, and most of the other participants, kept asking me, what are you doing here? At first I thought it was a "deeper" meaning, until I realized, they really felt I had no business in the class. I believe, we can learn from all information, so I believe I have as much purpose there as anyone else.

I make my choices differently now. I do think about the risks of my behavior and the results. And I do make better choices now that I have had my choices removed from my life for a period of time. I believe that honest actions and words are the best path, not always the easiest. I equate it to a hike, the easiest ones are rarely the most rewarding, so to use the KISS method I keep it as simple as possible.( KISS=Keep It Simple Stupid!)
I am blessed

A few thoughts

A few thoughts….

I am so blessed. I have a family that is so wonderful! I get to experience so much with my family. My family isn’t necessarily related by blood; most are but some are not.

I have people in my life that support me; right wrong or indifferent. They don’t always like my behavior, yet they continue to love and support me. And those, who are my family, who take what they “think” is my behavior and stop loving because of that, well I will chalk that up to their loss. I have learned a valuable lesson that behavior is not the person.

My step daughter told my husband the other day that I have a borderline personality disorder, Thank you Dr. Zalatan, for that diagnosis. I looked up the clinical definition, spoke to my therapist, and I am pleased to report, I don’t fit the bill. So my darling, light of my life, find a different reason to hate me.

I would so like to be able to be confronted by my accusers. It does hurt to be cut out of someone’s life with no ability to defend myself. It does no good for me to be angry, as being angry only affects me, and I refuse to release my personal power to anger. The Bo-Peep theory is how I choose to handle what I feel is unreasonable behavior by both my step-daughters. Leave them alone, they will come home wagging their tails behind them.

My husband is such a treasure! He is patient, kind, humorous, honorable, loving, and a lot of fun! His favorite term is This Too Shall Pass! How can I be discourages, with his attitude what it is?

Be well all those that I love and include in my family, you know who you are.

Life After Incarceration

Life is Good

I have lately been comparing my situation with many others’s experiences. This is pretty dumb. No one has had my life experiences, triumphs or tragedies.

Take for instance, my current residence. Most of the people there are from a totally different world. Their life experiences are so vastly different from mine, it’s hard to relate, so how, then could I compare my situation with theirs?

I have so much good fortune, I am truly blessed. I have a wonderful husband who is my anchor. He has stood by me despite much dissent from his family. I truly love him, and m so blessed to have found such a wonderful man!

I have not one but two jobs, it keeps me busy and out of that place! The rules change consistently, in fact that is about the only thing that is consistent about where I temporarily reside.

I have a great family. I am sure Tony’s family would rather I fall off the face of the Earth, however my family loves me for the person I am, not the one they have “created”. Tony’s girls, have never even approached me with their beefs, they just harangue their father and make him pay for my real or imagined crimes. Take for instance girl 14 she tells her father, that when I come home, she will be out of his life. Why in the world would she punish him? And how did she support me up until 4 months into my incarceration and then just “decide” I was evil? Her story is as changeable as a chameleon. As for girl 0 she will have to live with the pain and aggravation she has caused her father. She asked him to choose, he did, and I am fortunate!

My pain stems from his aggravation. I feel it is wrong for his children to punish him for loving and being loyal to me. I have dealt with my demons. I refuse to admit to something I had no part. At this point, admitting to a crime I didn’t commit would have no benefit. It would not magically heal our family. That takes more than just desire; it takes work, and compromise.  I have done a lot of healing; I can now put things in their place, and only take them out when appropriate. Do I still get upset when my husband cries because his daughter treats him with disrespect? Yes I clearly do, and knowing that I can do nothing about anyone else’s behavior helps me deal with that frustration.

Now the ball is in Tony’s family’s court. If they choose to ostracize me, so be it. Everyone has an opinion, and like a butt hole everyone has them, they mostly stink.

And the Beat Goes ON

I sometimes wonder if, as some say, my life is a movie.... who wrote the score??? I love my I POD Shuffle, and my step-daughter Rachel and Husband Tony for getting it for me! 2 years without music was debilitating for me. Music is so therapeutic, so genuine, and true food for the soul.
Prior to my incarceration I was the go to gal for fixing things. In fact "fixing" things is probably what got me there in the first place. Now not so much. Others come to me and oft times I must stay that window is closed. It's not that I WANT to turn them away, but as the song goes, (S)he can't even run (her)his own life I'll be damned if (S)he'll run Mine (yours). I have enough on my plate just running my life. I hope that some day I will be able to have a conversation for those instrumental in my incarceration, just to ask if the payoff was worth the price paid.
So few people know the devastation that comes with being totally cut off from your life. How important $1.53 can be when desiring to hear a loved one's voice.
The Beat Goes On

A Name Behind A Camera: A Mile A Minute

A Name Behind A Camera: A Mile A Minute: My mind is racing so fast, it's hard to keep up sometimes. With everything happening at once, it's really hard to carry on sometimes. I'm ...

Do you hear what I hear?

Today I had the privilege of listening to someone, really listening to them. How many times do we take that skill, talent, duty for granted?  I heard the pain they were unable to express, the frustration that words could not describe and the answer they could not hear because of all of the background noise of our every day lives.

I live in a half way house, I have a roommate that, by her own admission is out of control. She is on a diversion sentence, and may be on her way to DOC. She is a self saboteur, like many women are. While listening to her today I learned that although our circumstances are different she has allowed herself to be enslaved by hers, and I have used mine as a boost out of the nightmare of the past two plus years.

I am so grateful for all of the experience of this circumstance, and know I am NOT my circumstances. It is, what it is. Although I continue to await my appeal, I am confident that the verdict will be overturned. I still hold my head high, and follow the rules and smile every chance I get.

One change is that I only give help or advice when asked. I still preface it with “Do you REALLY want the truth?”, many folks just want to hear what they want to hear, I will give my honest opinion, or keep quiet.

We are blessed to be in the service of our God and of our fellow man. I try to practice that every day. Most days I am successful.

I AM OUT!

A quick note to let you know that there is life after incarceration! LOL! I have been at ICCS since May 31, 2011, and it’s not that bad! I have a nice, albeit wild roommate who is delightful and very sweet but the classic of the American Blond! She will only be here a few more weeks and then who knows. 

While at the way way no cell phone or driving privileges. I use lots of quarters and dimes calling friends and family… Mainly Tony! 

I have a job! I am working for Dickey’s Barbecue Pit, today is my first day! I am very excited about it all! 23 days on job search. I know many Americans without felony convictions, who have been without work much longer! My baby brother, for instance, out of work for 10 months, no felony, just tough out there! 

I have the best husband and family in the world. Tony is fabulous! He is so fiercely independent, it frightens me a bit! WE get to talk on the phone every day. But don’t get to see each other much. Now that I am employed I can go to church, and get “pass” time to see Tony! J He is eager for me to cook for him. I am eager to sleep in a real bed! 

After a seven year estrangement, Shawn and I have reconciled, we are really enjoying just being brother and sister….. Man how time flies! He is a good friend that I have missed a great deal! 

Prison, was an experience. In my usual “Pollyanna” mindset, I did my best to make it a positive experience. After the first few month of bitterness, and disbelief, that a person whom I cherished could have put me here. I decided to get off of the pity pot, and make the best of a distasteful situation. I just lay low, did what I was told, and completed 22 months of incarceration. My testimony of The Gospel grew, and I was busily organizing Family Home Evenings and Interfaith scripture chases and Bible studies. It was very rewarding to know that the Spirit walks with us wherever we go.