Twenty-Seven years ago, a wonderful woman lost her battle with cancer. Doris Caisse Zalatan is my husband’s mother. I never had the privilege to meet her yet I have heard many stories and have enjoyed photos sent to us by his sister Michelle Roth.  On the day she passed away, another even half way around the world occurred, our wonderful daughters Rachel Zalatan Walker and Rebekah Zalatan Bartleson were born in a city near Seoul Korea. Tony and his wife Karen were notified that there twins were born and they arrived in the United States on November 19^th 1986. Tony’s sister Michelle has always said it took two souls to replace Doris.

Twelve years ago I was honored to join this family and assist in the rearing of these truly gifted and beautiful children. When I entered the picture the girls were very reticent and shell shocked after experiencing the very contentious divorce of their parents. When Tony and I married the twins were fourteen, yet they didn’t really act as I remembered we did at fourteen. They had never experienced a sleep-over, didn’t really know how to “play” and I joked that they were the fashion safety girls, as they would only wear navy, black white and khaki. I began to see what the Family Court Judge meant by the girls wilting under the sole care of their mother.

Soon we began bonding. We shopped together, decorated our new home, and vacationed as a family. Rebekah and Rachel began to bloom! They began taking risks, and growing into accomplished young ladies.  Eighteen months into our marriage, Tony was struck down with a debilitating stroke caused by a hospital acquired infection. We camped out in the hospital waiting room for two weeks, refusing to leave his side. Despite all the emotional turmoil we became closer as a family. During his lengthy hospital stay, I tended to supplement care and attention for the girls by overindulging them.

Over the years my love for them has never waned. Many hurt feelings, and serious accusations have been made, yet I still love these girls as if I had given birth to them.

We have been estranged for six years. I miss them every day. I want them to know that I love them and would like to bridge the gap between us and once again be a family. If they cannot find it in their heart to forgive me I request that they at least contact their father; when it all comes down to it, he is the one who has been punished the most.

Wake Up!

As I take my daily walks among the awakening of our little neighborhood. I see so much and realize how very much I have to be grateful for in this life. One thing about living in this dispensation, is that we will see so much, and must keep our eyes open to the changes, and revelations that are gifted to us. 
I have walked a rocky journey just about my entire life! When I was a a young teenager, I was introduced to Mary Kay cosmetics, now to be truthful, I don't have much use for the cosmetics, as no matter how much they change the formula I break out into welts twenty-four hours after using them! However, Mary Kay Ash, the founder of the cosmetics giant had a saying.

    “Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, 

but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway.”  

When I heard that many things that I had experienced thus far in my life made so much more sense to me. And as I look back especially on the past 12 years, it is a true anthem to the way I live my life. 

In my faith we are taught to endure well to the end. It would seem that any time I get thrown a curve ball, spitball or fastball, I swing with all my might, with my eyes tightly shut. What I need to remember is to keep my eye on the ball, and maybe I will see the challenges coming and I will be able to bend my  future. 

Many times people will ask, how did you do that? Or how could you stand that, You must be so strong! I guess from all the enduring I just did what I needed to do. I may not have always made the best choices, and I have paid a lot of consequences, and I have always learned a valuable lesson while facing every challenge I have ever faced. 

I am a strong woman, and have had my share of heartbreak, and disappointment, yet each day I wake up and feel I have a new slate to create whatever I choose. 

After a monumental break up, my mom gave me a poster with this poem on it:  

After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,
and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts,
and present's aren’t promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead...

With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.

And you learn
To build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much…

So, you plant your own garden,
and decorate your own soul...
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
you really are strong,
you really do have worth.

And you learn, and you learn…
with every goodbye,

You Learn…

With each triumph and every disappointment, I realize that  I am a strong woman, who has a purpose, and between My Heavenly Father and I we will figure it out, and I will thrive! 

Stand your Ground

As a child I was always taught to stand my ground. When one believes wholeheartedly that they are right (as in correct), one should hold steadfast to their belief. I was promised that it was not not going to be easy, or popular, or even any fun. And it wasn't.
Most times it seems as if I come down on the wrong side of things. I wonder if I inherently take the unpopular side of every issue.
Six years ago, I was accused of a crime against one of my beautiful, intelligent, overindulged daughters.  I refused to say I did something I did not do, so I went to trial. I was convicted and sentenced to state prison. I served 22 months at the Denver Women's Correctional Facility, and 10 more months in a halfway house, and have been successfully working the program of state parole.

On July 12, 2013, I received notification that my appeal had been successful, and my verdict had been unanimously overturned. I was very happy, and sad at the same time. This for me is a double edged sword. I will never regain the past six years, I may never regain the love and trust of my twin daughters, and I will always carry the stigma and label of Felon.

Still I rejoice in the decision of the appellate court. It shows however flawed our justice system is, there are pathways to the truth. And not always does the truth set one free.