So I have changed the name of my blog now you can find me at A New Start On Life. I don't want to dwell on what brought me here, but I don't want to ever forget it either!

Time Passages

Wow January has zoomed by and I have only posted a couple of times! Actually I am not sure anyone even reads this, and that's perfectly OK, I pray that my insights may have some value to anyone who may stop by.
I have been struggling a lot lately with my situation with the injustice system. I have been waiting quite anxiously for word of when I can become an ISP inmate. What that entails, is a lower classification of supervision, and possibly a stylish new ankle bracelet. I have been out of prison for 8 months now, and have (imnsho) earned the right to leave the halfway house and live in peace with my husband. I am doing well at my job, I am working the program that has been set out for me, and I only spend 8 hours daily at that dreaded place. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased to be away from the barbed wire, razor wire and clanging doors, I am ready to move on.
I call it the injustice system for two reasons; it's all about the money, and it is in no way fair. I believe, that like the Mob, if you are a good "earner" you have very little chance of moving on and out of the "family". I have complied with all the program rules, I stay off the radar, I have worked to improve myself, I pay my bills, and essentially I am just paying the halfway house the price of an apartment to sleep on a cast iron bed with a  plastic mattress that offers no cushion for my body. I eat at home or work, I shower at home. They must count me hourly for the eight hours I am there, and once a month I must give a urine sample.
My case manager, said, oh it's not that bad, and really it's not, however, I am mentally checked out of that place. It is very hard to return each evening.
I am so very blessed to have my husband in my corner. He is so patient with me. He is more optimistic than I and tries to keep me on the level emotionally. He has stood behind me 100% and deserves some sort of award for what he has been through for the past 5 years!
I learned about two weeks ago that our daughter Rachel is getting married in June. I am disappointed that we are not to be included in this joyous time for her. I am frustrated that I have not been able to communicate with her. I would really like to have the opportunity to spend some time with her and hammer out our differences. I am sad that she has shunned her father because he chooses to support me.
My little brother recently moved in with us. He has been struggling financially, and it seemed like the right thing to do. He has been very helpful around the house, and helping with my transportation. I am so grateful that we have reconciled, it is a great blessing to me.
My older brother hasn't been well.  He lives in another state, and is so far out of my reach now. His partner feels as if I and my younger brother should drop everything and take up his aid. I wish that I could, however, really no one has ever been there for me financially, emotionally or physically when I have gone through the darkest periods of my life.  I am not keeping score, I just think that  if we are bailed out every time a problem arises, we have no motivation and no chance to grow and test our own limits.
I begin school on Monday. I am reading one of the books we were assigned, Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankel. It's an amazing study of the human psyche and what we as humans are able to endure! I am fascinated by my own endurance levels over the past 11 years, and realize by reading this book that I have much to be grateful for and much to give back. All in all I am grateful for my own set of problems. I would never ask to take over someone else's. Count your blessings, names them one by one, count your many blessings see what God has done!

Values

So Let's suppose that you are stranded in the desert with only what you currently have on you and five animals.  A Sheep, A Pig, A Horse, A Cow and a Tiger.  You have to get out of the desert and in doing so you must eliminate four of the animals, and leave the desert with only one. In what order would you eliminate them?

Here are my choices
First would go the tiger
Second would go the Pig
Third would be the cow,
fourth would be the sheep
and I would leave the desert with my horse

In the past few years I have been extremely humbled by events which I had very little control. I have learned that I can only change my behavior, and I am not responsible for anyone else's behavior. I have decided that whatever may or may not become of the estrangement with the two young women whom I love more than life itself, I will continue to love them and keep my heart and mind open for their eventual return.
My whole life I have been a "fixer" I have tried to fix every situation, every person and every thing in my life. Some call this a control freak, yes I guess I am, but a recovering one at that. I no longer feel the need to be in control, and am quite content to pave the way for just me and my husband. I cannot fix the situation with my daughters, I can only remain a safe haven for them
Our beautiful, funny, sweet daughter Rachel is getting married in June. By then I will be on parole, or my verdict may be overturned. Tony often asks me what the girls will say when the verdict is overturned, and I haven't a clue! I would like to see our family put back together, forged with gold of the refiner's fire; stronger for the trials and strife we have endured, yet I don't hold out much hope for that. I am sad that Rachel chooses to keep her father and me from this happy time. And long for the day when we can once again be a family.
Our Rebekah, she is so bright, and funny and we lover her so much. Some would say how can you after what has happened? Yet I lover her as if I gave birth to her. That's where me not being responsible for anyone else's behavior comes in to play. Rebekah made her choices and I would really like to believe that she just got in too deep and did not know how to get out of the situation. being the tenacious little barracuda she is, she chose to stay with her original story and the results were, I believe pleasing to her, as she got the immediate gratification she craves, yet at what cost? 
So back to the story,,, what do these animals symbolize?
Tiger =Pride I would eliminate that first
Pig= Money I would eliminate that second
Cow=Career, that goes third
Sheep=Love fourth out the window
Horse =Family is what is most important to me
these animals symbolize our values, I'd like to think mine are all right on track.

Rebekah, and precious Rachel I love you!

2012 who'd a thunk it? When I was a young girl I seriously never thought I'd see the year 2000, let alone a decade further! So much has transpired in in the past 12 years, I met and married my wonderful husband, helped parent two amazing young women, I have assisted my husband to overcome a debilitating illness, and recover from a sever closed brain injury. I have also been accused, convicted an been imprisoned for a crime that I did not commit. I am still standing, still hopeful and I feel, a better person for all the experiences I have endured.
Look out 2012 here I come!