Priorities

I began my Cognitive Behavior Class last night. It's an In-house class, so I don't have to travel to it. I took one in 1999, and learned a lot from it, last night, if you can believe it, I just observed; I know it's hard to believe. Most of the participants are male, (you know I love that), and they mainly work with respect and anger issues. Three men graduated last night, if I am to believe the facilitator, they have come a long way. I believe that's a good thing.
We did an interesting exercise in Value Prioritizing. I am happy to say, according to the exercise, my priorities are right where I want them to be... kinda makes you wonder if I have a borderline personality? LOL yeah, that still bugs me a lot.The facilitator, and most of the other participants, kept asking me, what are you doing here? At first I thought it was a "deeper" meaning, until I realized, they really felt I had no business in the class. I believe, we can learn from all information, so I believe I have as much purpose there as anyone else.

I make my choices differently now. I do think about the risks of my behavior and the results. And I do make better choices now that I have had my choices removed from my life for a period of time. I believe that honest actions and words are the best path, not always the easiest. I equate it to a hike, the easiest ones are rarely the most rewarding, so to use the KISS method I keep it as simple as possible.( KISS=Keep It Simple Stupid!)
I am blessed

A few thoughts

A few thoughts….

I am so blessed. I have a family that is so wonderful! I get to experience so much with my family. My family isn’t necessarily related by blood; most are but some are not.

I have people in my life that support me; right wrong or indifferent. They don’t always like my behavior, yet they continue to love and support me. And those, who are my family, who take what they “think” is my behavior and stop loving because of that, well I will chalk that up to their loss. I have learned a valuable lesson that behavior is not the person.

My step daughter told my husband the other day that I have a borderline personality disorder, Thank you Dr. Zalatan, for that diagnosis. I looked up the clinical definition, spoke to my therapist, and I am pleased to report, I don’t fit the bill. So my darling, light of my life, find a different reason to hate me.

I would so like to be able to be confronted by my accusers. It does hurt to be cut out of someone’s life with no ability to defend myself. It does no good for me to be angry, as being angry only affects me, and I refuse to release my personal power to anger. The Bo-Peep theory is how I choose to handle what I feel is unreasonable behavior by both my step-daughters. Leave them alone, they will come home wagging their tails behind them.

My husband is such a treasure! He is patient, kind, humorous, honorable, loving, and a lot of fun! His favorite term is This Too Shall Pass! How can I be discourages, with his attitude what it is?

Be well all those that I love and include in my family, you know who you are.

Life After Incarceration

Life is Good

I have lately been comparing my situation with many others’s experiences. This is pretty dumb. No one has had my life experiences, triumphs or tragedies.

Take for instance, my current residence. Most of the people there are from a totally different world. Their life experiences are so vastly different from mine, it’s hard to relate, so how, then could I compare my situation with theirs?

I have so much good fortune, I am truly blessed. I have a wonderful husband who is my anchor. He has stood by me despite much dissent from his family. I truly love him, and m so blessed to have found such a wonderful man!

I have not one but two jobs, it keeps me busy and out of that place! The rules change consistently, in fact that is about the only thing that is consistent about where I temporarily reside.

I have a great family. I am sure Tony’s family would rather I fall off the face of the Earth, however my family loves me for the person I am, not the one they have “created”. Tony’s girls, have never even approached me with their beefs, they just harangue their father and make him pay for my real or imagined crimes. Take for instance girl 14 she tells her father, that when I come home, she will be out of his life. Why in the world would she punish him? And how did she support me up until 4 months into my incarceration and then just “decide” I was evil? Her story is as changeable as a chameleon. As for girl 0 she will have to live with the pain and aggravation she has caused her father. She asked him to choose, he did, and I am fortunate!

My pain stems from his aggravation. I feel it is wrong for his children to punish him for loving and being loyal to me. I have dealt with my demons. I refuse to admit to something I had no part. At this point, admitting to a crime I didn’t commit would have no benefit. It would not magically heal our family. That takes more than just desire; it takes work, and compromise.  I have done a lot of healing; I can now put things in their place, and only take them out when appropriate. Do I still get upset when my husband cries because his daughter treats him with disrespect? Yes I clearly do, and knowing that I can do nothing about anyone else’s behavior helps me deal with that frustration.

Now the ball is in Tony’s family’s court. If they choose to ostracize me, so be it. Everyone has an opinion, and like a butt hole everyone has them, they mostly stink.

And the Beat Goes ON

I sometimes wonder if, as some say, my life is a movie.... who wrote the score??? I love my I POD Shuffle, and my step-daughter Rachel and Husband Tony for getting it for me! 2 years without music was debilitating for me. Music is so therapeutic, so genuine, and true food for the soul.
Prior to my incarceration I was the go to gal for fixing things. In fact "fixing" things is probably what got me there in the first place. Now not so much. Others come to me and oft times I must stay that window is closed. It's not that I WANT to turn them away, but as the song goes, (S)he can't even run (her)his own life I'll be damned if (S)he'll run Mine (yours). I have enough on my plate just running my life. I hope that some day I will be able to have a conversation for those instrumental in my incarceration, just to ask if the payoff was worth the price paid.
So few people know the devastation that comes with being totally cut off from your life. How important $1.53 can be when desiring to hear a loved one's voice.
The Beat Goes On

A Name Behind A Camera: A Mile A Minute

A Name Behind A Camera: A Mile A Minute: My mind is racing so fast, it's hard to keep up sometimes. With everything happening at once, it's really hard to carry on sometimes. I'm ...

Do you hear what I hear?

Today I had the privilege of listening to someone, really listening to them. How many times do we take that skill, talent, duty for granted?  I heard the pain they were unable to express, the frustration that words could not describe and the answer they could not hear because of all of the background noise of our every day lives.

I live in a half way house, I have a roommate that, by her own admission is out of control. She is on a diversion sentence, and may be on her way to DOC. She is a self saboteur, like many women are. While listening to her today I learned that although our circumstances are different she has allowed herself to be enslaved by hers, and I have used mine as a boost out of the nightmare of the past two plus years.

I am so grateful for all of the experience of this circumstance, and know I am NOT my circumstances. It is, what it is. Although I continue to await my appeal, I am confident that the verdict will be overturned. I still hold my head high, and follow the rules and smile every chance I get.

One change is that I only give help or advice when asked. I still preface it with “Do you REALLY want the truth?”, many folks just want to hear what they want to hear, I will give my honest opinion, or keep quiet.

We are blessed to be in the service of our God and of our fellow man. I try to practice that every day. Most days I am successful.