So many things are mounting right now. I feel like I am on the brink of a nervous “incident”! I have to remember all of the things I am grateful for. My wonderful husband, who has been ill, but is on the mend now. Our beautiful daughters and the pride we have in them, and the joy they have brought to us. That I am no longer in prison, and although I am not yet at home full time I do get to spend a good part of my day there! I am grateful for my brothers. Especially Shawn who has been a good anchor for me, though Tony’s latest illness. He has given me some great advice, and has been the voice of reason, that I so often miss from my mommie.
I get frustrated with the red tape of the justice system. I often remark that it’s a crappy system, but probably the best in the world, that’s not saying so much. I have complied, I feel as if I am being assimilated by the Borg! I do what I am asked; I never give staff a problem, and pay my bills, so then why am I always feeling as if I am falling through the cracks! One of the most difficult things is leaving Tony each night. I feel he really needs me to be there for him, and I don’t feel it’s fair to have Shawn babysit him. I am glad that he is willing to help, but it really IS my job! I hate it when I cannot perform a basic duty, which I need to!
I have a lot on my plate right now. Half way house responsibilities and accountabilities, Tony’s illness and recovery, looking for a new house for us and the stress of four hours travel time each day. I believe I still keep a sunny outlook; lately I have been emotionally overwrought. I wouldn’t say I am overwhelmed, but I am whelmed!
I found out that one of our daughters is expecting. Not sure if she is pregnant or they are adopting. We are thrilled, yet also a bit disappointed that this freeze out continues. I drive myself crazy feeling like a stalker trying to learn what I can about their lives, and then getting depressed because we are not included in their plans! Our other girl is planning a wedding, and I am jealous that I am not included. I guess I will have to get over that!
Can’t we all just get along? I wish I could just ignore my feelings and feign nonchalance but it does matter to me! I love our girls as if I gave birth to them. It hurts that they would believe that I would ever intentionally hurt them.
I am grateful for all I have, and pray for patience and forgiveness for sins real and imagined. I love my husband.
