We as a society love our labels! coach bags, Guess jeans, Prada shoes,
Mercedes, Range Rover, Honda, Corvette, Lincoln, Democrat, Republican,
Independent, Christian, Atheist, Progressive, Rich, Poor, Elite, Mainstream
media, Tommy Hifilger; all of these are labels that we as Americans are in LOVE
with! How many of us allow others to define us by the label they have pinned
upon us?
I have had many labels in my life. As a child I was Suzy the busy bee, Mary
Sunshine, Polly Anna, Princess, prissy tomboy, and Daddy's girl. All of
these monikers I wore proudly and did my best to emulate what I thought they
meant. Soon I found myself programmed to act within the confines of each of
these labels at the appropriate time and place. This at the cost of any real
identity I may have developed.
I began to realize this at the end of a very tumultuous, painful
relationship that took up a big part of my teenaged years. After I turned
twenty after five years of trying to morph into what my boyfriend wanted me to
be, I learned that I could never be what he wanted/needed and whatever identity
I had had been consumed by my and his estimation of what he wanted from
me. I began to notice this a few months before he broke it off. (There I
said it, I never before have admitted it was he who broke it off). I was no
longer Susan, I was Dick's* girlfriend. I began rebelling against this
"control" over me, and eventually as I was not fitting into his
compartment, and I was not doing as he expected of me. (Forget about the deceit
and the cheating, that's a whole 'nother ballgame). At one point after
the breakup, I was introduced at Dick's "former" girlfriend, and MY
name was never mentioned! that was a cold wake up call. I never wanted to
be a Stepford Wife, yet that is exactly what I had become!
Once the breakup occurred, there are many versions of the behavior that I
demonstrated. Some say I went a little crazy, some say I had a nervous
breakdown, others applauded my strength and composure. I put myself in many
positions where by I would encounter him and one of his girlfriends. This was
painful for me, and probably very awkward for him. I remember there were a lot
of tears, much misery and many very blue days. I was physically ill from the
hurt and betrayal I felt. After all I had "grown" up with this
boy and all my dreams had been dashed by the breakup, no explanation, no
accusations, just a "we are through".
It took me a very long time to recover from the disappointment and pain of
that relationship. Dick went on to marry at least three times, and father at
least three children. For the first ten years after the "breakup" I
didn't even date; I would not trust anyone. I really could not even guarantee
that I wouldn't go running back to him if he even seemed so inclined!
I knew I was finally over Dick when at his sister's wedding he asked me to
dance, 6 years I spent with this person and never once had he danced with me!
Reluctantly I agreed, and he was holding me very inappropriately. he whispered
into my ear that the three most important women in his life were there, me, his
ex-wife, and his new wife of only a few months, and none of us were fighting
over him! I backed off, slapped him as hard as I could, and said "Don't
flatter yourself dick!" here it was his
sister's wedding and he was
making it about him! I knew then that I was free! The spell had been broken! 30
+ years later, I have reconciled in my heart and mind that relationship. It's a
good learning experience. I am able to hold onto the fond, tender memories, and
have let go of the bitterness, hurt and the label!
Within the past 15 years I have been involved with the criminal
"justice" system. I carry the label FELON. Regardless if I committed
a crime, I have been measured and weighed and am now a felon. I am
striving to not become that label. Society seems to believe that everyone who
carries that label is disposable. Jobs are very difficult to obtain, housing is
nearly impossible, and education is a harder path for those who have traveled
through the criminal "justice" system.
No matter my behavior, or the crime I have been punished for, I am not that
label. The key word in that sentence is that I
have been punished I have
paid the price; financially, by serving time with the State, and having my
family torn apart. I am still me, a loving wife, a good mother, a kind generous
person, who constantly thinks of others, and wants only the best for everyone.
I refuse to become the label felon. I am a wife mother, caregiver, citizen.
The stigma that is associated with this label is difficult, yet not
impossible to overcome. I have found that dealing with employers is the most
simple. Approach the situation straightforward and with honesty.
Accentuate the positive, dwell on past accomplishments; show how the
"punishment" has enhanced one’s life. If while incarcerated,
accomplishments were earned then tout those as well. Address addictions,
treatment and reporting needs as soon as possible. Sell the whole package! One
benefit of being still supervised is that you do have reporting requirements,
therefore the employer needn't be concerned as you are being monitored, thus
upping your reliability!
If change was needed show how the change has come about and the steps you
are willing to take to avoid criminal practices. Stick to your word. When that
employer gives you a chance show him/her each and every day how they made a
great choice! You are not only assisting yourself, and your employer, you are
paving the way for others in a similar situation!
The label felon is a hard one to hide, I would say don't. Keep it where all
good labels should be, on the inside. The only label I am interested in is the
one I portray each day, Susan the good wife, servant to others and a lot of
fun!
Bottom line, I am not a handbag, a dress, a car or a political party, I am a
beautiful, powerful, passionate woman.
