Whelmed

So many things are mounting right now. I feel like I am on the brink of a nervous “incident”! I have to remember all of the things I am grateful for. My wonderful husband, who has been ill, but is on the mend now. Our beautiful daughters and the pride we have in them, and the joy they have brought to us. That I am no longer in prison, and although I am not yet at home full time I do get to spend a good part of my day there! I am grateful for my brothers. Especially Shawn who has been a good anchor for me, though Tony’s latest illness.  He has given me some great advice, and has been the voice of reason, that I so often miss from my mommie.

I get frustrated with the red tape of the justice system. I often remark that it’s a crappy system, but probably the best in the world, that’s not saying so much. I have complied, I feel as if I am being assimilated by the Borg! I do what I am asked; I never give staff a problem, and pay my bills, so then why am I always feeling as if I am falling through the cracks! One of the most difficult things is leaving Tony each night. I feel he really needs me to be there for him, and I don’t feel it’s fair to have Shawn babysit him. I am glad that he is willing to help, but it really IS my job! I hate it when I cannot perform a basic duty, which I need to!

I have a lot on my plate right now. Half way house responsibilities and accountabilities, Tony’s illness and recovery, looking for a new house for us and the stress of four hours travel time each day. I believe I still keep a sunny outlook; lately I have been emotionally overwrought.   I wouldn’t say I am overwhelmed, but I am whelmed!

I found out that one of our daughters is expecting. Not sure if she is pregnant or they are adopting. We are thrilled, yet also a bit disappointed that this freeze out continues. I drive myself crazy feeling like a stalker trying to learn what I can about their lives, and then getting depressed because we are not included in their plans! Our other girl is planning a wedding, and I am jealous that I am not included. I guess I will have to get over that!

Can’t we all just get along? I wish I could just ignore my feelings and feign nonchalance but it does matter to me! I love our girls as if I gave birth to them. It hurts that they would believe that I would ever intentionally hurt them.

I am grateful for all I have, and pray for patience and forgiveness for sins real and imagined. I love my husband.

So I have changed the name of my blog now you can find me at A New Start On Life. I don't want to dwell on what brought me here, but I don't want to ever forget it either!

Time Passages

Wow January has zoomed by and I have only posted a couple of times! Actually I am not sure anyone even reads this, and that's perfectly OK, I pray that my insights may have some value to anyone who may stop by.
I have been struggling a lot lately with my situation with the injustice system. I have been waiting quite anxiously for word of when I can become an ISP inmate. What that entails, is a lower classification of supervision, and possibly a stylish new ankle bracelet. I have been out of prison for 8 months now, and have (imnsho) earned the right to leave the halfway house and live in peace with my husband. I am doing well at my job, I am working the program that has been set out for me, and I only spend 8 hours daily at that dreaded place. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased to be away from the barbed wire, razor wire and clanging doors, I am ready to move on.
I call it the injustice system for two reasons; it's all about the money, and it is in no way fair. I believe, that like the Mob, if you are a good "earner" you have very little chance of moving on and out of the "family". I have complied with all the program rules, I stay off the radar, I have worked to improve myself, I pay my bills, and essentially I am just paying the halfway house the price of an apartment to sleep on a cast iron bed with a  plastic mattress that offers no cushion for my body. I eat at home or work, I shower at home. They must count me hourly for the eight hours I am there, and once a month I must give a urine sample.
My case manager, said, oh it's not that bad, and really it's not, however, I am mentally checked out of that place. It is very hard to return each evening.
I am so very blessed to have my husband in my corner. He is so patient with me. He is more optimistic than I and tries to keep me on the level emotionally. He has stood behind me 100% and deserves some sort of award for what he has been through for the past 5 years!
I learned about two weeks ago that our daughter Rachel is getting married in June. I am disappointed that we are not to be included in this joyous time for her. I am frustrated that I have not been able to communicate with her. I would really like to have the opportunity to spend some time with her and hammer out our differences. I am sad that she has shunned her father because he chooses to support me.
My little brother recently moved in with us. He has been struggling financially, and it seemed like the right thing to do. He has been very helpful around the house, and helping with my transportation. I am so grateful that we have reconciled, it is a great blessing to me.
My older brother hasn't been well.  He lives in another state, and is so far out of my reach now. His partner feels as if I and my younger brother should drop everything and take up his aid. I wish that I could, however, really no one has ever been there for me financially, emotionally or physically when I have gone through the darkest periods of my life.  I am not keeping score, I just think that  if we are bailed out every time a problem arises, we have no motivation and no chance to grow and test our own limits.
I begin school on Monday. I am reading one of the books we were assigned, Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankel. It's an amazing study of the human psyche and what we as humans are able to endure! I am fascinated by my own endurance levels over the past 11 years, and realize by reading this book that I have much to be grateful for and much to give back. All in all I am grateful for my own set of problems. I would never ask to take over someone else's. Count your blessings, names them one by one, count your many blessings see what God has done!

Values

So Let's suppose that you are stranded in the desert with only what you currently have on you and five animals.  A Sheep, A Pig, A Horse, A Cow and a Tiger.  You have to get out of the desert and in doing so you must eliminate four of the animals, and leave the desert with only one. In what order would you eliminate them?

Here are my choices
First would go the tiger
Second would go the Pig
Third would be the cow,
fourth would be the sheep
and I would leave the desert with my horse

In the past few years I have been extremely humbled by events which I had very little control. I have learned that I can only change my behavior, and I am not responsible for anyone else's behavior. I have decided that whatever may or may not become of the estrangement with the two young women whom I love more than life itself, I will continue to love them and keep my heart and mind open for their eventual return.
My whole life I have been a "fixer" I have tried to fix every situation, every person and every thing in my life. Some call this a control freak, yes I guess I am, but a recovering one at that. I no longer feel the need to be in control, and am quite content to pave the way for just me and my husband. I cannot fix the situation with my daughters, I can only remain a safe haven for them
Our beautiful, funny, sweet daughter Rachel is getting married in June. By then I will be on parole, or my verdict may be overturned. Tony often asks me what the girls will say when the verdict is overturned, and I haven't a clue! I would like to see our family put back together, forged with gold of the refiner's fire; stronger for the trials and strife we have endured, yet I don't hold out much hope for that. I am sad that Rachel chooses to keep her father and me from this happy time. And long for the day when we can once again be a family.
Our Rebekah, she is so bright, and funny and we lover her so much. Some would say how can you after what has happened? Yet I lover her as if I gave birth to her. That's where me not being responsible for anyone else's behavior comes in to play. Rebekah made her choices and I would really like to believe that she just got in too deep and did not know how to get out of the situation. being the tenacious little barracuda she is, she chose to stay with her original story and the results were, I believe pleasing to her, as she got the immediate gratification she craves, yet at what cost? 
So back to the story,,, what do these animals symbolize?
Tiger =Pride I would eliminate that first
Pig= Money I would eliminate that second
Cow=Career, that goes third
Sheep=Love fourth out the window
Horse =Family is what is most important to me
these animals symbolize our values, I'd like to think mine are all right on track.

Rebekah, and precious Rachel I love you!

2012 who'd a thunk it? When I was a young girl I seriously never thought I'd see the year 2000, let alone a decade further! So much has transpired in in the past 12 years, I met and married my wonderful husband, helped parent two amazing young women, I have assisted my husband to overcome a debilitating illness, and recover from a sever closed brain injury. I have also been accused, convicted an been imprisoned for a crime that I did not commit. I am still standing, still hopeful and I feel, a better person for all the experiences I have endured.
Look out 2012 here I come!

Peace, Love and JOy to all for Our Savior's Birthday

This is the time of year for joy, reconciliation and family. We honor the birth of our Savior, and give thanks for the blessing we enjoy all year. I used to anticipate the Christmas season, for the warmth, camaraderie and fellowship everyone seemed to share. Not I find I dread the season, not the reason.

The reason for the season is to celebrate the birth of Our Lord and Savior. We exchange gifts as a way of honoring His birth, His life and his Ministry. The commercialization and political correctness of the “holiday season” make me sad. I will ALWAYS say Merry Christmas, as that is what I mean!

I am not a perfect human being. I have my foibles; I have made my share of mistakes. I say to you, (John 8:7) He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. I get so weary of the sanctimonious self righteous people in my life! Some have ostracized me for no other reason than they “heard” I harmed another. To my family and loved ones and relatives, I only do what I believe is good for my family. I have never intentionally harmed another, and I surely would never do or say anything to harm either of my daughters. We can argue all day what he said/she said, at the end of the day it’s all about where my heart is, and I am good with the Man upstairs!

My heart is with My Savior first, with my husband second, and our children third.  I love my brothers and they are an important part of my family and support system.  I don’t have to “like” their spouses, yet, I do love them, I just don’t like their behavior. My husband’s siblings are another story. His sister is the most passive aggressive shrew I have ever met. His brother easy going live and let live. Go figure.

I am doing me, and happy with that. Should anyone else want to judge me, or my behavior let them walk one day in my shoes. I will be happy to take their advice, once they know how I live my life. Your perception is not my reality.

I love my daughters. I am disappointed in their behavior, and I love them unconditionally.

Merry Christmas, PEACE on Earth (and in my life) and GOOD WILL to all!

What's really important

What is Really important? Well I can tell you what is not important. It's not about who said what about whom, its not sleights real or imagined. It's not about the $20 or the $20,000 borrowed and never repaid, it's not about not keeping in touch, always making the first call, or even about where we live,  It all comes down to caring about one another and loving one another.
I found this quote and really like it:

After all this is over, all that will really have mattered is how we treated each other.

Too often we say things in haste, make statements that hurt, or declare something that cannot be undone. I believe that we must school out thoughts and words. Marriages are torn apart, families ruined, and lives destroyed by careless cruel comments made and then passed along.
Theses things I know are true. I love my Heavenly Father, and know that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I love my husband and cherish every moment we have together. I love his children, right wrong or indifferent, I am proud of them, I love them and that will not change. I love my brothers, even if I detest their behavior, I will always love them and stand by them as they have stood by me.
I have said that I am healthier and feel better now than I have been in 20 years. With my brother in the hospital and trying to figure out his health concerns, it makes me ponder my mortality as well.
I  declare that I am grateful for every blessing, every trial, every lesson, every person in my life. Even if we are estranged, we are family and that will never change.