Twenty-Seven years ago, a wonderful woman lost her battle with cancer. Doris Caisse Zalatan is my husband’s mother. I never had the privilege to meet her yet I have heard many stories and have enjoyed photos sent to us by his sister Michelle Roth.  On the day she passed away, another even half way around the world occurred, our wonderful daughters Rachel Zalatan Walker and Rebekah Zalatan Bartleson were born in a city near Seoul Korea. Tony and his wife Karen were notified that there twins were born and they arrived in the United States on November 19^th 1986. Tony’s sister Michelle has always said it took two souls to replace Doris.

Twelve years ago I was honored to join this family and assist in the rearing of these truly gifted and beautiful children. When I entered the picture the girls were very reticent and shell shocked after experiencing the very contentious divorce of their parents. When Tony and I married the twins were fourteen, yet they didn’t really act as I remembered we did at fourteen. They had never experienced a sleep-over, didn’t really know how to “play” and I joked that they were the fashion safety girls, as they would only wear navy, black white and khaki. I began to see what the Family Court Judge meant by the girls wilting under the sole care of their mother.

Soon we began bonding. We shopped together, decorated our new home, and vacationed as a family. Rebekah and Rachel began to bloom! They began taking risks, and growing into accomplished young ladies.  Eighteen months into our marriage, Tony was struck down with a debilitating stroke caused by a hospital acquired infection. We camped out in the hospital waiting room for two weeks, refusing to leave his side. Despite all the emotional turmoil we became closer as a family. During his lengthy hospital stay, I tended to supplement care and attention for the girls by overindulging them.

Over the years my love for them has never waned. Many hurt feelings, and serious accusations have been made, yet I still love these girls as if I had given birth to them.

We have been estranged for six years. I miss them every day. I want them to know that I love them and would like to bridge the gap between us and once again be a family. If they cannot find it in their heart to forgive me I request that they at least contact their father; when it all comes down to it, he is the one who has been punished the most.

Stand your Ground

As a child I was always taught to stand my ground. When one believes wholeheartedly that they are right (as in correct), one should hold steadfast to their belief. I was promised that it was not not going to be easy, or popular, or even any fun. And it wasn't.
Most times it seems as if I come down on the wrong side of things. I wonder if I inherently take the unpopular side of every issue.
Six years ago, I was accused of a crime against one of my beautiful, intelligent, overindulged daughters.  I refused to say I did something I did not do, so I went to trial. I was convicted and sentenced to state prison. I served 22 months at the Denver Women's Correctional Facility, and 10 more months in a halfway house, and have been successfully working the program of state parole.

On July 12, 2013, I received notification that my appeal had been successful, and my verdict had been unanimously overturned. I was very happy, and sad at the same time. This for me is a double edged sword. I will never regain the past six years, I may never regain the love and trust of my twin daughters, and I will always carry the stigma and label of Felon.

Still I rejoice in the decision of the appellate court. It shows however flawed our justice system is, there are pathways to the truth. And not always does the truth set one free.

Whelmed

So many things are mounting right now. I feel like I am on the brink of a nervous “incident”! I have to remember all of the things I am grateful for. My wonderful husband, who has been ill, but is on the mend now. Our beautiful daughters and the pride we have in them, and the joy they have brought to us. That I am no longer in prison, and although I am not yet at home full time I do get to spend a good part of my day there! I am grateful for my brothers. Especially Shawn who has been a good anchor for me, though Tony’s latest illness.  He has given me some great advice, and has been the voice of reason, that I so often miss from my mommie.

I get frustrated with the red tape of the justice system. I often remark that it’s a crappy system, but probably the best in the world, that’s not saying so much. I have complied, I feel as if I am being assimilated by the Borg! I do what I am asked; I never give staff a problem, and pay my bills, so then why am I always feeling as if I am falling through the cracks! One of the most difficult things is leaving Tony each night. I feel he really needs me to be there for him, and I don’t feel it’s fair to have Shawn babysit him. I am glad that he is willing to help, but it really IS my job! I hate it when I cannot perform a basic duty, which I need to!

I have a lot on my plate right now. Half way house responsibilities and accountabilities, Tony’s illness and recovery, looking for a new house for us and the stress of four hours travel time each day. I believe I still keep a sunny outlook; lately I have been emotionally overwrought.   I wouldn’t say I am overwhelmed, but I am whelmed!

I found out that one of our daughters is expecting. Not sure if she is pregnant or they are adopting. We are thrilled, yet also a bit disappointed that this freeze out continues. I drive myself crazy feeling like a stalker trying to learn what I can about their lives, and then getting depressed because we are not included in their plans! Our other girl is planning a wedding, and I am jealous that I am not included. I guess I will have to get over that!

Can’t we all just get along? I wish I could just ignore my feelings and feign nonchalance but it does matter to me! I love our girls as if I gave birth to them. It hurts that they would believe that I would ever intentionally hurt them.

I am grateful for all I have, and pray for patience and forgiveness for sins real and imagined. I love my husband.

Values

So Let's suppose that you are stranded in the desert with only what you currently have on you and five animals.  A Sheep, A Pig, A Horse, A Cow and a Tiger.  You have to get out of the desert and in doing so you must eliminate four of the animals, and leave the desert with only one. In what order would you eliminate them?

Here are my choices
First would go the tiger
Second would go the Pig
Third would be the cow,
fourth would be the sheep
and I would leave the desert with my horse

In the past few years I have been extremely humbled by events which I had very little control. I have learned that I can only change my behavior, and I am not responsible for anyone else's behavior. I have decided that whatever may or may not become of the estrangement with the two young women whom I love more than life itself, I will continue to love them and keep my heart and mind open for their eventual return.
My whole life I have been a "fixer" I have tried to fix every situation, every person and every thing in my life. Some call this a control freak, yes I guess I am, but a recovering one at that. I no longer feel the need to be in control, and am quite content to pave the way for just me and my husband. I cannot fix the situation with my daughters, I can only remain a safe haven for them
Our beautiful, funny, sweet daughter Rachel is getting married in June. By then I will be on parole, or my verdict may be overturned. Tony often asks me what the girls will say when the verdict is overturned, and I haven't a clue! I would like to see our family put back together, forged with gold of the refiner's fire; stronger for the trials and strife we have endured, yet I don't hold out much hope for that. I am sad that Rachel chooses to keep her father and me from this happy time. And long for the day when we can once again be a family.
Our Rebekah, she is so bright, and funny and we lover her so much. Some would say how can you after what has happened? Yet I lover her as if I gave birth to her. That's where me not being responsible for anyone else's behavior comes in to play. Rebekah made her choices and I would really like to believe that she just got in too deep and did not know how to get out of the situation. being the tenacious little barracuda she is, she chose to stay with her original story and the results were, I believe pleasing to her, as she got the immediate gratification she craves, yet at what cost? 
So back to the story,,, what do these animals symbolize?
Tiger =Pride I would eliminate that first
Pig= Money I would eliminate that second
Cow=Career, that goes third
Sheep=Love fourth out the window
Horse =Family is what is most important to me
these animals symbolize our values, I'd like to think mine are all right on track.

Rebekah, and precious Rachel I love you!