Labels

We as a society love our labels! coach bags, Guess jeans, Prada shoes, Mercedes, Range Rover, Honda, Corvette, Lincoln, Democrat, Republican, Independent, Christian, Atheist, Progressive, Rich, Poor, Elite, Mainstream media, Tommy Hifilger; all of these are labels that we as Americans are in LOVE with! How many of us allow others to define us by the label they have pinned upon us?
I have had many labels in my life. As a child I was Suzy the busy bee, Mary Sunshine, Polly Anna, Princess, prissy tomboy, and Daddy's girl.  All of these monikers I wore proudly and did my best to emulate what I thought they meant. Soon I found myself programmed to act within the confines of each of these labels at the appropriate time and place. This at the cost of any real identity I may have developed.

I began to realize this at the end of a very tumultuous, painful relationship that took up a big part of my teenaged years. After I turned twenty after five years of trying to morph into what my boyfriend wanted me to be, I learned that I could never be what he wanted/needed and whatever identity I had had been consumed by my and his estimation of what he wanted from me.  I began to notice this a few months before he broke it off. (There I said it, I never before have admitted it was he who broke it off). I was no longer Susan, I was Dick's* girlfriend. I began rebelling against this "control" over me, and eventually as I was not fitting into his compartment, and I was not doing as he expected of me. (Forget about the deceit and the cheating, that's a whole 'nother ballgame).  At one point after the breakup, I was introduced at Dick's "former" girlfriend, and MY name was never mentioned!  that was a cold wake up call. I never wanted to be a Stepford Wife, yet that is exactly what I had become!
Once the breakup occurred, there are many versions of the behavior that I demonstrated. Some say I went a little crazy, some say I had a nervous breakdown, others applauded my strength and composure. I put myself in many positions where by I would encounter him and one of his girlfriends. This was painful for me, and probably very awkward for him. I remember there were a lot of tears, much misery and many very blue days. I was physically ill from the hurt and betrayal I felt. After all I had "grown" up  with this boy and all my dreams had been dashed by the breakup, no explanation, no accusations, just a "we are through".
It took me a very long time to recover from the disappointment and pain of that relationship. Dick went on to marry at least three times, and father at least three children. For the first ten years after the "breakup" I didn't even date; I would not trust anyone. I really could not even guarantee that I wouldn't go running back to him if he even seemed so inclined!
I knew I was finally over Dick when at his sister's wedding he asked me to dance, 6 years I spent with this person and never once had he danced with me! Reluctantly I agreed, and he was holding me very inappropriately. he whispered into my ear that the three most important women in his life were there, me, his ex-wife, and his new wife of only a few months, and none of us were fighting over him! I backed off, slapped him as hard as I could, and said "Don't flatter yourself dick!" here it was his sister's wedding and he was making it about him! I knew then that I was free! The spell had been broken! 30 + years later, I have reconciled in my heart and mind that relationship. It's a good learning experience. I am able to hold onto the fond, tender memories, and have let go of the bitterness, hurt and the label!
Within the past 15 years I have been involved with the criminal "justice" system. I carry the label FELON. Regardless if I committed a crime, I have been measured and weighed and am now a felon.  I am striving to not become that label. Society seems to believe that everyone who carries that label is disposable. Jobs are very difficult to obtain, housing is nearly impossible, and education is a harder path for those who have traveled through the criminal "justice" system.
No matter my behavior, or the crime I have been punished for, I am not that label. The key word in that sentence is that I have been punished I have paid the price; financially, by serving time with the State, and having my family torn apart. I am still me, a loving wife, a good mother, a kind generous person, who constantly thinks of others, and wants only the best for everyone. I refuse to become the label felon. I am a wife mother, caregiver, citizen.
The stigma that is associated with this label is difficult, yet not impossible to overcome. I have found that dealing with employers is the most simple. Approach the situation straightforward and with honesty.  Accentuate the positive, dwell on past accomplishments; show how the "punishment" has enhanced one’s life. If while incarcerated, accomplishments were earned then tout those as well. Address addictions, treatment and reporting needs as soon as possible. Sell the whole package! One benefit of being still supervised is that you do have reporting requirements, therefore the employer needn't be concerned as you are being monitored, thus upping your reliability!  
If change was needed show how the change has come about and the steps you are willing to take to avoid criminal practices. Stick to your word. When that employer gives you a chance show him/her each and every day how they made a great choice! You are not only assisting yourself, and your employer, you are paving the way for others in a similar situation!
The label felon is a hard one to hide, I would say don't. Keep it where all good labels should be, on the inside. The only label I am interested in is the one I portray each day, Susan the good wife, servant to others and a lot of fun!
Bottom line, I am not a handbag, a dress, a car or a political party, I am a beautiful, powerful, passionate woman.

Time Passages

Wow January has zoomed by and I have only posted a couple of times! Actually I am not sure anyone even reads this, and that's perfectly OK, I pray that my insights may have some value to anyone who may stop by.
I have been struggling a lot lately with my situation with the injustice system. I have been waiting quite anxiously for word of when I can become an ISP inmate. What that entails, is a lower classification of supervision, and possibly a stylish new ankle bracelet. I have been out of prison for 8 months now, and have (imnsho) earned the right to leave the halfway house and live in peace with my husband. I am doing well at my job, I am working the program that has been set out for me, and I only spend 8 hours daily at that dreaded place. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased to be away from the barbed wire, razor wire and clanging doors, I am ready to move on.
I call it the injustice system for two reasons; it's all about the money, and it is in no way fair. I believe, that like the Mob, if you are a good "earner" you have very little chance of moving on and out of the "family". I have complied with all the program rules, I stay off the radar, I have worked to improve myself, I pay my bills, and essentially I am just paying the halfway house the price of an apartment to sleep on a cast iron bed with a  plastic mattress that offers no cushion for my body. I eat at home or work, I shower at home. They must count me hourly for the eight hours I am there, and once a month I must give a urine sample.
My case manager, said, oh it's not that bad, and really it's not, however, I am mentally checked out of that place. It is very hard to return each evening.
I am so very blessed to have my husband in my corner. He is so patient with me. He is more optimistic than I and tries to keep me on the level emotionally. He has stood behind me 100% and deserves some sort of award for what he has been through for the past 5 years!
I learned about two weeks ago that our daughter Rachel is getting married in June. I am disappointed that we are not to be included in this joyous time for her. I am frustrated that I have not been able to communicate with her. I would really like to have the opportunity to spend some time with her and hammer out our differences. I am sad that she has shunned her father because he chooses to support me.
My little brother recently moved in with us. He has been struggling financially, and it seemed like the right thing to do. He has been very helpful around the house, and helping with my transportation. I am so grateful that we have reconciled, it is a great blessing to me.
My older brother hasn't been well.  He lives in another state, and is so far out of my reach now. His partner feels as if I and my younger brother should drop everything and take up his aid. I wish that I could, however, really no one has ever been there for me financially, emotionally or physically when I have gone through the darkest periods of my life.  I am not keeping score, I just think that  if we are bailed out every time a problem arises, we have no motivation and no chance to grow and test our own limits.
I begin school on Monday. I am reading one of the books we were assigned, Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankel. It's an amazing study of the human psyche and what we as humans are able to endure! I am fascinated by my own endurance levels over the past 11 years, and realize by reading this book that I have much to be grateful for and much to give back. All in all I am grateful for my own set of problems. I would never ask to take over someone else's. Count your blessings, names them one by one, count your many blessings see what God has done!

Values

So Let's suppose that you are stranded in the desert with only what you currently have on you and five animals.  A Sheep, A Pig, A Horse, A Cow and a Tiger.  You have to get out of the desert and in doing so you must eliminate four of the animals, and leave the desert with only one. In what order would you eliminate them?

Here are my choices
First would go the tiger
Second would go the Pig
Third would be the cow,
fourth would be the sheep
and I would leave the desert with my horse

In the past few years I have been extremely humbled by events which I had very little control. I have learned that I can only change my behavior, and I am not responsible for anyone else's behavior. I have decided that whatever may or may not become of the estrangement with the two young women whom I love more than life itself, I will continue to love them and keep my heart and mind open for their eventual return.
My whole life I have been a "fixer" I have tried to fix every situation, every person and every thing in my life. Some call this a control freak, yes I guess I am, but a recovering one at that. I no longer feel the need to be in control, and am quite content to pave the way for just me and my husband. I cannot fix the situation with my daughters, I can only remain a safe haven for them
Our beautiful, funny, sweet daughter Rachel is getting married in June. By then I will be on parole, or my verdict may be overturned. Tony often asks me what the girls will say when the verdict is overturned, and I haven't a clue! I would like to see our family put back together, forged with gold of the refiner's fire; stronger for the trials and strife we have endured, yet I don't hold out much hope for that. I am sad that Rachel chooses to keep her father and me from this happy time. And long for the day when we can once again be a family.
Our Rebekah, she is so bright, and funny and we lover her so much. Some would say how can you after what has happened? Yet I lover her as if I gave birth to her. That's where me not being responsible for anyone else's behavior comes in to play. Rebekah made her choices and I would really like to believe that she just got in too deep and did not know how to get out of the situation. being the tenacious little barracuda she is, she chose to stay with her original story and the results were, I believe pleasing to her, as she got the immediate gratification she craves, yet at what cost? 
So back to the story,,, what do these animals symbolize?
Tiger =Pride I would eliminate that first
Pig= Money I would eliminate that second
Cow=Career, that goes third
Sheep=Love fourth out the window
Horse =Family is what is most important to me
these animals symbolize our values, I'd like to think mine are all right on track.

Rebekah, and precious Rachel I love you!

What's really important

What is Really important? Well I can tell you what is not important. It's not about who said what about whom, its not sleights real or imagined. It's not about the $20 or the $20,000 borrowed and never repaid, it's not about not keeping in touch, always making the first call, or even about where we live,  It all comes down to caring about one another and loving one another.
I found this quote and really like it:

After all this is over, all that will really have mattered is how we treated each other.

Too often we say things in haste, make statements that hurt, or declare something that cannot be undone. I believe that we must school out thoughts and words. Marriages are torn apart, families ruined, and lives destroyed by careless cruel comments made and then passed along.
Theses things I know are true. I love my Heavenly Father, and know that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I love my husband and cherish every moment we have together. I love his children, right wrong or indifferent, I am proud of them, I love them and that will not change. I love my brothers, even if I detest their behavior, I will always love them and stand by them as they have stood by me.
I have said that I am healthier and feel better now than I have been in 20 years. With my brother in the hospital and trying to figure out his health concerns, it makes me ponder my mortality as well.
I  declare that I am grateful for every blessing, every trial, every lesson, every person in my life. Even if we are estranged, we are family and that will never change.

A few thoughts

A few thoughts….

I am so blessed. I have a family that is so wonderful! I get to experience so much with my family. My family isn’t necessarily related by blood; most are but some are not.

I have people in my life that support me; right wrong or indifferent. They don’t always like my behavior, yet they continue to love and support me. And those, who are my family, who take what they “think” is my behavior and stop loving because of that, well I will chalk that up to their loss. I have learned a valuable lesson that behavior is not the person.

My step daughter told my husband the other day that I have a borderline personality disorder, Thank you Dr. Zalatan, for that diagnosis. I looked up the clinical definition, spoke to my therapist, and I am pleased to report, I don’t fit the bill. So my darling, light of my life, find a different reason to hate me.

I would so like to be able to be confronted by my accusers. It does hurt to be cut out of someone’s life with no ability to defend myself. It does no good for me to be angry, as being angry only affects me, and I refuse to release my personal power to anger. The Bo-Peep theory is how I choose to handle what I feel is unreasonable behavior by both my step-daughters. Leave them alone, they will come home wagging their tails behind them.

My husband is such a treasure! He is patient, kind, humorous, honorable, loving, and a lot of fun! His favorite term is This Too Shall Pass! How can I be discourages, with his attitude what it is?

Be well all those that I love and include in my family, you know who you are.