Peace, Love and JOy to all for Our Savior's Birthday

This is the time of year for joy, reconciliation and family. We honor the birth of our Savior, and give thanks for the blessing we enjoy all year. I used to anticipate the Christmas season, for the warmth, camaraderie and fellowship everyone seemed to share. Not I find I dread the season, not the reason.

The reason for the season is to celebrate the birth of Our Lord and Savior. We exchange gifts as a way of honoring His birth, His life and his Ministry. The commercialization and political correctness of the “holiday season” make me sad. I will ALWAYS say Merry Christmas, as that is what I mean!

I am not a perfect human being. I have my foibles; I have made my share of mistakes. I say to you, (John 8:7) He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. I get so weary of the sanctimonious self righteous people in my life! Some have ostracized me for no other reason than they “heard” I harmed another. To my family and loved ones and relatives, I only do what I believe is good for my family. I have never intentionally harmed another, and I surely would never do or say anything to harm either of my daughters. We can argue all day what he said/she said, at the end of the day it’s all about where my heart is, and I am good with the Man upstairs!

My heart is with My Savior first, with my husband second, and our children third.  I love my brothers and they are an important part of my family and support system.  I don’t have to “like” their spouses, yet, I do love them, I just don’t like their behavior. My husband’s siblings are another story. His sister is the most passive aggressive shrew I have ever met. His brother easy going live and let live. Go figure.

I am doing me, and happy with that. Should anyone else want to judge me, or my behavior let them walk one day in my shoes. I will be happy to take their advice, once they know how I live my life. Your perception is not my reality.

I love my daughters. I am disappointed in their behavior, and I love them unconditionally.

Merry Christmas, PEACE on Earth (and in my life) and GOOD WILL to all!

What's really important

What is Really important? Well I can tell you what is not important. It's not about who said what about whom, its not sleights real or imagined. It's not about the $20 or the $20,000 borrowed and never repaid, it's not about not keeping in touch, always making the first call, or even about where we live,  It all comes down to caring about one another and loving one another.
I found this quote and really like it:

After all this is over, all that will really have mattered is how we treated each other.

Too often we say things in haste, make statements that hurt, or declare something that cannot be undone. I believe that we must school out thoughts and words. Marriages are torn apart, families ruined, and lives destroyed by careless cruel comments made and then passed along.
Theses things I know are true. I love my Heavenly Father, and know that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I love my husband and cherish every moment we have together. I love his children, right wrong or indifferent, I am proud of them, I love them and that will not change. I love my brothers, even if I detest their behavior, I will always love them and stand by them as they have stood by me.
I have said that I am healthier and feel better now than I have been in 20 years. With my brother in the hospital and trying to figure out his health concerns, it makes me ponder my mortality as well.
I  declare that I am grateful for every blessing, every trial, every lesson, every person in my life. Even if we are estranged, we are family and that will never change.

The joy of Daughters

Today I discovered that our daughter Rachel is engaged.  Many emotions came over me. Relief, surprise, hurt feelings and joy. Of all the people that have passed through my life, I believe I have enjoyed and love Rachel the most. I have always wanted what is best for her.

We have been estranged for two years now. I can only guess why. She has not spoken to me nor has she told me why she has cut all ties. She recently cut ties with her father as well; telling him it’s because he supports me. I don’t feel she is being fair, especially to him, yet I am not in charge of her behavior.

One thing about children and parents; a parents job is to work themselves out of a job. I believe we gave Rachel a firm foundation and she has developed a workable value system. She is positioned, unbending a little self-righteous; she is however one of the most loving, kind and funny people I know.

The first brief for my appeal is being filed on Monday. Many people ask why I care that this verdict is overturned. I will tell you, because I didn’t do it! I am prepared that it may not be overturned, and I will deal with that if it happens. For now, I will pray that the judges see through the manipulations and untruths told by a very lost, mixed up young woman.

Which brings me to Rebekah; I love you, I forgive you for the accusations and recriminations. I wish I could have made this all go away. I will not say I did something I did not do. We are here for both you girls whenever you need us.

Blessings

Today is gray dreary day. It began as a beautiful sunny day, much like nine years ago when Tony entered the hospital for that fateful cardiogram and heart surgery that forever changed our lives.

I have been thinking a lot about the past ten years and the joys, sorrows, triumphs and disappointments for the time that has passed. I am so grateful for all the blessings that have come my way.

The first blessing is my wonderful husband. He has given me so much joy and comfort over the past eleven years. Even during my incarceration he was 100% steadfastly in my corner. He is ferocious in his defense of me, and never allows a minute to go by without letting me know how very much he cherishes me.

The second blessing is my family. My brothers first. We are orphans, and we only have each other. For being raised in the same house with the same parents you couldn't find three more different people. We don't always get along, yet our communication has become much more open and honest and we have mellowed.  My Uncles, Aunts, and cousins are all unconditionally supportive of me. Another extremely diverse group, again reared with the same values, we all are unique and bring a different favor to the party… And do we party!

The third blessing is the opportunity of parenting my step-daughters. I couldn't love them more if the were my own flesh and blood. That makes our estrangement especially painful, yet I know, they know, I love them. When they are hurting, I bleed. Some day we will reunite and put all the blame and recriminations behind us. I look forward to that day, however far in the future it may be.

This is a good quote about family :

Doc Childre and Howard Martin, The HeartMath Solution

Family is the first social unit for developing the qualities of the heart. A true family grows and moves through life together, inseparable in the heart. Whether a biological family or an extended family of people attracted to each other based on heart resonance and mutual support, the word "family" implies warmth, a place where the core feelings of the heart are nurtured. Family values represent the core values and guidelines that parents and family members hold in high regard for the well-being of the family. Sincere family feelings are core heart feelings. They are the basis for true family values. While we have differences, we remain "family" by virtue of our heart connection. Family provides necessary security and support, and acts as a buffer against external problems. A family made up of secure people generates a magnetic power that can get things done. They are the hope for real security in a stressful world.

Pasted from <http://www.heartquotes.net/Family.html>

Cog

So I go to my COG class last night and we talk about Learned vs. Inherited behavior, Nature vs. Nurture, if you will. I think about my behaviors as they were pre-incarceration, during and post-incarceration. I believe I really had an epiphany last night.  Many of the behaviors I operated with a few years ago, no longer work for me and I have discarded them. That was pretty refreshing; although, I do still want to “go there” sometimes. It’s a good thing that I realize it now and can rephrase those thoughts. It’s funny how we “take on” the lingo of our current learning situation. I believe it shows adaptability, or maybe just institutionalization? I prefer adaptability, as this gives me hope for the human condition.

I often wonder “what am I doing here?”; what I do know is I KNOW I never want to repeat this experience, it has been valuable to me and my growth as a soul.

Priorities

I began my Cognitive Behavior Class last night. It's an In-house class, so I don't have to travel to it. I took one in 1999, and learned a lot from it, last night, if you can believe it, I just observed; I know it's hard to believe. Most of the participants are male, (you know I love that), and they mainly work with respect and anger issues. Three men graduated last night, if I am to believe the facilitator, they have come a long way. I believe that's a good thing.
We did an interesting exercise in Value Prioritizing. I am happy to say, according to the exercise, my priorities are right where I want them to be... kinda makes you wonder if I have a borderline personality? LOL yeah, that still bugs me a lot.The facilitator, and most of the other participants, kept asking me, what are you doing here? At first I thought it was a "deeper" meaning, until I realized, they really felt I had no business in the class. I believe, we can learn from all information, so I believe I have as much purpose there as anyone else.

I make my choices differently now. I do think about the risks of my behavior and the results. And I do make better choices now that I have had my choices removed from my life for a period of time. I believe that honest actions and words are the best path, not always the easiest. I equate it to a hike, the easiest ones are rarely the most rewarding, so to use the KISS method I keep it as simple as possible.( KISS=Keep It Simple Stupid!)
I am blessed

A few thoughts

A few thoughts….

I am so blessed. I have a family that is so wonderful! I get to experience so much with my family. My family isn’t necessarily related by blood; most are but some are not.

I have people in my life that support me; right wrong or indifferent. They don’t always like my behavior, yet they continue to love and support me. And those, who are my family, who take what they “think” is my behavior and stop loving because of that, well I will chalk that up to their loss. I have learned a valuable lesson that behavior is not the person.

My step daughter told my husband the other day that I have a borderline personality disorder, Thank you Dr. Zalatan, for that diagnosis. I looked up the clinical definition, spoke to my therapist, and I am pleased to report, I don’t fit the bill. So my darling, light of my life, find a different reason to hate me.

I would so like to be able to be confronted by my accusers. It does hurt to be cut out of someone’s life with no ability to defend myself. It does no good for me to be angry, as being angry only affects me, and I refuse to release my personal power to anger. The Bo-Peep theory is how I choose to handle what I feel is unreasonable behavior by both my step-daughters. Leave them alone, they will come home wagging their tails behind them.

My husband is such a treasure! He is patient, kind, humorous, honorable, loving, and a lot of fun! His favorite term is This Too Shall Pass! How can I be discourages, with his attitude what it is?

Be well all those that I love and include in my family, you know who you are.